I’m a P!nk fan-girl through and through. Her songs bring out so much emotion in me, which allows me to release tears just as if I’ve been heard and understood. I actually had to run off stage one night while doing karaoke of one of her songs because I choked up and tears just took over.
:::mic drop:::
When I was asked to write about two songs that have aided in my recovery, this was the song that came right into my mind. A phrase I use constantly in my recovery is “perfectly imperfect.” So needless to say, this song fits quite nicely, in a sassy way of course. You see, when I speak of being in recovery, it’s not just from alcohol… it’s also from depression. Negative self-talk has been a terrible obstacle I’ve been trying to overcome.
“You're so mean when you talk about yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices in your head make them like you instead.”
I am reminded that it’s a choice I have in front of me. I have control over those thoughts in my head. I can choose to turn the negative thoughts into positive ones. The negative images I have of myself is really not a true picture of who I truly am. I have always known that somewhere inside of me was an amazing light that wanted to shine. I dimmed my own light with alcohol which only further spiraled my depression.
“Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect.”
There’s just something about having someone tell you it’s going to be all right, and that you are ok just as you are. When I hear similar sentiments from my fellows in recovery, it’s a feeling like no other. We remind each other all the time that we are complete, that we are fucking warriors, and that we are perfectly imperfect just as we are.
Lord, is this title and song so appropriate for what I’m about to tell you.
I, Cristina Ferri, am a Christian music listener.
:::gasp:::
This statement has literally been haunting me for years. I’ve hidden it from everyone in my life minus my church peeps. I know the feeling of rejection and what it’s like when people look at you like the crazy God person. You want to know why? Because I’ve been on both sides of it, I’ve been the giver and the recipient of the looks. But let me tell you a brief history of how I came to here. When I was in school, I remember I was listening to my Walkman with a cassette single of Michael W. Smith’s Place in this World, and a teacher asked me if I was a Christian. I looked at him strange and asked why would he ask that, and he explained that the music I was listening to was a Christian song. I instantly felt guilty and ashamed. Being raised a Jehovah’s Witness, I wasn’t supposed to be listening to this stuff. But I just liked the way the song made me feel. Fast forward to about 6 or 7 years ago, I was listening to Pandora at work and a band called FireFlight came into my life. I liked every song I heard, so I decided to see if they were playing in my area anytime soon. Turns out they were coming… to a church. What? Oh man. They were a Christian band. I do believe my exact words were: “Oh shit, she’s talking about God.” Despite the fact that I really, really felt uncomfortable about stepping into a church I did it anyway. I was happy to get out of my comfort zone, but I definitely was an outsider at this time. So, it was right around this time that I said fuck it, and continued to listen to Christian music without telling anyone. I found Plumb along the way, and her music quickly became my go to when I needed uplifting.
“I was so caught up In who I'm not Can you please forgive me?
I ran away from you And did what I wanted to But I don't want to let you down Oh Lord I'm ready now.”
This song is very near and dear to me because I feel it describes my falling away from and coming back into a relationship with God perfectly. Well, now that that’s off my chest, I feel like there’s one less part of me I’m hiding from the world, and I feel that much more free.